3 Another one

 I am going into surgery next Thursday. It never ends..
I just hope that it goes well and that they don't have to open we up..
Yet again, its me we are talking about. I am so going to be open up...
This time I am not going to hope for the best, lets be real I am hallways to being neutered..
And that feels as unnatural for me as it is for dogs, and cats..
I am scared every time, and I always thinks in my head: What if this one goes wrong to, and I don't make it this time?
I did turn 30, but just barely..

0 I am Older

Today I turned 30. Yes I am 30 and it doesn't bother me a bit. When I turned 20 I was a young insecure girl who had no idea what she wanted from life, and all I thought about was dancing partying, and friends.
Now I have gotten my own family (me and my boyfriend), I still have friends, but partying is not something I can do even if I wanted to.,
But what is better is that I know who I am, I am happy with the body I got, beside being as every other woman- thinking that I could always loose 10 kg (22 pounds). But I don't obsess about it anymore.
And finally I know what I want from life even if I will never get it. But dreams are dreams for a reason, otherwise it would just be a reality..

0 Crappy Oslo

Today I had this urge that since the weather is like a summer in Spain, I dragged my sorry ass outside, and in the direction of Oslo.
But Oslo is not a town made for disabled people. I couldn't find one single place to sit down, not one.
So I had to "steal" some clothes so I could get into one of the dressing rooms that had a sitting space.
So there I was, sitting in this really small slippery chair in a dressing room.
My new prison, my hell for the afternoon!
But noe I have made a decision, I am never going anywhere alone again. If that means never leaving my house, then thats the price I will have to pay for my illness!

0 What about life??

I am in this daze right now. I am tired of never getting done with my maintenance down stairs.
On top of this I have to struggle with esophagus spasms, and the possibility that I will never get better.
And the icing on the cake is that I am turning 30 this upcoming weekend.
I thought that turning 30 would be something that I would celebrate in a large scale, but it looks dark in that area.

Its sad that I cant celebrate turning 30, I can never have a baby shower, and a lot of children birthdays. So as cheesy as it sounds I am getting more and more liking the idea of marriage, so I can have something to celebrate, and spa weekends, and visiting different cities on or anniversary.
But first I have to get better so I can enjoy something like a wedding. But with my luck, I will never get that either.



My fear is that I will get a very bitter woman, that hasn't gotten anything out of my life. I have always liked the idea of being a grandmother, and having my own family.
And because I am sick now, I cant even be a career woman, and if I cant have kids I would have liked to have a career. But I guess I am stuck with esophagus spasms, a bad back, and ovaries that doesn't work.

5 Here I Go Again

When is it going to stop?
I was at my doctor again today, and I have to have yet another surgery.
They have to remove a big cyst on my left ovary, and probably the ovary aswell. It has grown with over 3 cm in six months.They could see that my left ovary was starting to shut down!
And thats not all. I have some water cysts on my right ovary, that can be the cause of my lacking menstruation.
I have to take this progesterone cur for 10 days, and that will tell if everything is okay, between the brain and my ovaries. They also took blood samples, and they will check everything out. My doctor did say that I might have Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), but they need more time to give a proper diagnosis.

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I must say that I am in a grieve mode. What if I cant have kids, because it is becoming a reality.
And I had hopped that my reality would be more cheerful and happy than it has been the last few years.
But It seems that I am never catching a break.

0 Esophagus Spasms

I have now had this disease for a year and a half, and if you look at some diseases this is like in its baby stage.
One the other hand, when you have had some deadly diseases after a year you are so tired.
And now in my second year, I am tired of still not being able to eat normal food, and  lead a normal life.
But someday is better than no day
And I am hoping that soon this will be a fainted memory of a stressful time that has shown me what life is all about: Love, Family and Friends.

0 Good - Bad

What makes a person bad, and what defines a good one?

I have wondered about this question, when I have nothing better to do.

So what do you have to do to become a good person? What will you sacrifice? What will you loose?

One the other hand, how do someone become bad/evil? What atrocious crime will you have to commit? Or is it a state of mind, a mind that is selfish, self centered, cold heart? 

But does anyone even think that they are bad, or is it how others conceive you that defines you?

0 Dream Vs. Reality

We grow up with this picture that if you are a good girl, you will get the fairy tale. We are thought that hard work and good grades will get you a happy adult life.
But its not that simple, Oh I pray for simplicity. You grow up and meet a brick wall, A big wall of reality.
Its not a given that falling in love, will lead to a happy marriage, or that you're children will never make you're mistakes, because they will, every single one of them, because they are you, a younger version, that will be as hardheaded and stupid as you were.
But when they get kids, they have the same hope for there children as you had for yours.
And in the mix, you get sickness, accidents and death. None of us want to go through it, but all of us will have to.
What was you're teen dream??
Mine was having a boy that I loved with all my heart. check that one of the list.
Second I wanted a good marriage, not a fantasy wedding. It has always been to moshy for me, and  everyone has always seen me as the domestic home wife, with a little crazy side that comes out for special occasions :)

2 Angry

This are my last days in my 20s, and they should have been about celebrating my life so far.
Instead its all about pain. I always pictures my late 20s as fun, new experiences, and a lot of love.
Instead it has been about sickness, pain, and a fight for my right to treatment.
So when is enough enough? When is it going to stop? When is it right to trow in the towel?

 We have the right to refuse treatment, but what do you do when you are refused treatment?
Isn't that the same as throwing someone out in the forest to die?
We have the right for second opinions, but why should one or two doctors have the right to "kill" you bye not doing anything?
We have health care personnel and especially Doctor one a pedestal because their profession is something we admire and respect.

But I think they should put their patients up on a pedestal, and they should understand that angry patients are patients that want help, and don't want to die, or live a lifetime in pain.
So to doctors out there- Why did you become a doctor? for the money, glory, satisfaction, or something more noble??

6 New decade

I think this time is really sore for me. I am turning 30 in a couple of weeks and I am not married, no kids, and not my dream job in sight.
Its not easy seeing younger people who have it "all", like the wedding on Friday.
I don't envy them when it comes to their public life, but more to that they are finished with their education, and they know who they are, and what they are.
I think every time I start to "get" who I am, something new happens, and I have to start over.
When I turned 20 I thought I had a lot of time until I turned 30, but the time has gone really fast.
And I can only imagine than it will go even faster to 40. And I hope I am not in the same place. I hope my sick life has gone, so that I can sort out my personal and actually feel that I have a life.