0 Bite me own ass...

After a weekend with walks, coffee date, brunch and birthday, I am now paying for it. big times.
I have been hooked up to the tens for 24 hours now, and several ketogan later, I am still in horrible shape.
I do forget sometimes that I am sick. I don't forget it, I try to deny that this is happening to me.
Nobody things that what we read in the papers can happen to you. You feel with those people, and close the papers. Out of sight, out of mind. And you only starts to think about it when you are into you're knees in problems. And then you don't have the strength to help any one else.
I just have to bow to those people who helps others, just because it is their nature, and heart to help!



«You shall never bother others, You shall be both fair and kind. And whatever else you do, I shall not mind.» The Cardamon law

2 Ketogan®

Ketogan® has the active ingredient ketobemidone 10/25 mg. Mine is 10 mg. It is a opioid analgesic.
Ketogan® affects respiration less than morphine, it also has some NMDA-antagonist properties.
Ketobemidone comes also with a spasmolytic, that can improve the analgesia.
You should not use Ketogan if you are hypersensitive to ketobemidone,hydrochloride, or some of the other ingredients in Ketogan. You shouldn't take it if you have severe breathing difficulties. Ketogan is addictive .

I use Ketogan® when I have breakthrough pain as a result of esophagus spasms. I don't have many options when it comes to pain killers, because I cant swallow pills. Ketogan® is a good alternative because they come as a suppository. It does say in the leaflet that a possible side effect is constipation, but in my case it is the opposite. I have to be close to a toilet. I have to go to the toilet 10-30 min after I have taken Ketogan.
It is very exhausting that I have to organize so excessively, because these suppositories  have such a laxative effect. Remember a large package of disposable gloves, I have some in every purse, bag, and in all our rooms.

The good thing is that suppositories helps within 20 minutes, while pills uses about 40 minutes.
And anyone who has been in pain knows that minutes feels like years. And when you can cut the waiting time is half it is the difference between giving up, or jumping out the window because you cant handle the extreme pain.

Only when the positive sides of the medication ways up the negative side effects like addiction, should you take the drug. And never for the euphoria the drug gives when you take it for recreational use!

4 I walked today

I actually managed to take a walk today ☺
And I feel like I am taking this pain school already. I am learning how to deal with esophagus spasms.
I walked for a couple of kilometer, and came to the nearby mall, when my spasms occurred.
I had of course forgotten water at home, but this mall has free cold water from dispensers, so I ran inside and tried the 1 home remedy: Cold water, and a lot of it!
It didn't work, so I ran into a toilet a took ketogan suppository. The only problem is that this pill has a very laxative effect. So I sat there outside the toilets on a bench and tried to keep it in for 20 min until the pills had tenderized my bowel, and entire intestines poured out in 3 seconds.
Know I was ready to walk home, and oh my how it was beautiful:

It can be seen as an extreme sport taking Ketogan, But hey, what can you do? I enjoyed the view, and realized that I am learning more everyday, and maybe my doctor was right that I can be better in a few years. The more I trial by error, the more I learn ways to deal with this disease, and maybe one day I will get a little more dignity into my life!

0 School and Esophagus Spasms!

I did go to school yesterday, and it felt good to be "back". The only problem is that half way into the lecture I got really bad esophagus spasms. I felt trapped, because there were people all around me, so I couldn't get out.
I tried every remedy I couldn't come up with. I drank half a liter of lemonade. I had a meditation session by myself for the class!!

The good thing is that I have become an adult over the last couple of years. I don't care what my class mates think of me, and I don't care that I am disabled anymore. Before I was so uncomfortable when I sat down on my "special" chair in class. But if I need a bed in class to be able to finish, well that is what I am going to do.
Any way there I was in class, me and my esophagus spasms. I couldn't drop my pants a push up a ketogan suppository in the middle of class. I am not THAT comfortable in class either.

But I will not give up school it means to much to me. Its part of my dream, and I am going to fight for that dream, even if it take me 20 years to get my degree! Until that I am here, on my couch, reading books about yoga, self-help and Dan Brown!

2 what now

i have tried pills Adalat no effect, Viagra(Sildenafil) no effect, in any way at all. you get where i am going, they have tried Botox 4 times, 2 times successful, and 2 times not the improvement that we had hoped for. i have taken stesolid, ketorax IV, morphine IV (stopped using morphine IV cause I had an allergic reaction), antidepressants, oxyContin, ketalar, ketroax PCA pump, nitroglycerin(1, 2), ketogan, lyrica, neurontin, epidural and a whole lot more i can’t even remember. but look at the bright side, who else have gotten the government to pay for Botox and Viagra??

i have tried acupuncture (see bottom of the page), 3 drops of peppermint oil in a glass of water, Oliclinomel, and i am going to try hypnosis to better deal with the whole pain situation. i am willing to try everything, and when you end up in my position you have to try everything, or you have lost. I also go to a psychologist; you have to treat your whole body, not just the physical but also the psychic part. everything goes together.
Of course there are days that i crawl under my blankets and want to stay there forever, but that is a part of the healing process. to come to terms with the fact that this is permanent, but i am far from coming to terms with it, hell no....

but i can’t keep doing this everything is perfect to friends and family, i have to change, i have this problem that i don’t want people to see that i am sick, but how can people be considerate if they don’t know that i am having a bad day. my only fear is that they will see it as irritating and not just me being sick me. we have to work on that one.
I must do this for me, and only me, and don’t feel guilty because i cant just do things impulsively. i have medicines and energy level to take into account when i say yes or no to something. and i guess i cant feel guilty if i don’t have the energy to do everything.
but i always feel guilty if i don’t give a 110% for someone else, i live to help others, probably why i joined the red cross to help. it gives me more, then i think i give them, but still, i have to learn to say NO, but how do i do that without feeling bad? i wanna make people feel good... without draining myself of energy