0 Do I ever Learn?

Today I accepted a spot at the bachelor program for history at the university at Oslo.
I don't know how this will all play out, or that my confidence in finishing the program is smaller then it used to be.
But I am not ready to give it up just yet. I need some "reality" to hang on to.
I am glad that I was a good student in high school witch means that I could become almost anything I wanted to.
Hopefully I will learn more this time around..

5 To be sick..

You need to be healthy to be sick is a saying in Norway. And it is so true.
You have doctors appointments all the time, usually once a week. You have to see you're family doctor to have one place where all the information get stored. And then there is the specialists.
You also need to talk to Nav to get sick pay. And that its not always easy.
When you have done all that, then you can call Helfo to get the right forms in order so that they will pay for the medication. And you need papers that actually verifies that they will pay for the medication. And take the papers to you're family doctor, because Helfo didn't send a copy to them.
Then you're family doctor will write the prescriptions. You take a doctors certificate along the way to get the leave from school. But of course, the family doctor didn't use the word "too sick", only sick, so then you have to go back to the doctor to get a new certificate.

When all that is finally done, you need to get a physical therapist, a acupuncture, a psychologist and see them at least once or twice a week.
And of course I cant eat the semi-finished food, so everything have to be made from scratch. Cooking is therefor a time consuming affair in our household. And my boyfriends egg, and nut allergies is just the icing on a cake.
And because you're energy level is on 10%, house cleaning obligations is a time consuming affair. And somewhere in the middle of this I need to rest.
But I have a hard time resting, because then comes the thought about the future, and the nightmares when I do get some sleep.
And thats the hardest thing of all, what will my future bring???

0 A little break..

This is a little break in my life. Finally, I got the papers that the government will pay for my medication..
That has been such a big burden. That I would have to pay 6000 kr a month for medication.
And after a hard week I got a little, or actually a big great news at the end of the week.

Its not easy trying to bee all that I can be, when I don't have the strength right know. I just have to get to the 24/1. And the doctor telling me that its not cancer, and that they got all of the cell changes.
On Tuesday I got  a medical certificate so I could try to get back to school.
But of course, I needed to get a leave from school spring of 2010 in 2010. They don't take into account that I was in a respirator, and even though my boyfriend handed in a medical certificate that I was very sick at the time. It doesn't count because they had to apply for it, not just hand in the certificate..
Dam bureaucracy...
But I don't care. If they don't contact me on Monday, I will just start in the fall.
Even though it would have been  good for me to start now.. well well thats life for you.. Nothing is ever easy.

2 school?

I have such big hopes for the new year. I want to go back to school, and to actually take an exam.
The last 2 years, I have read, and been to all the lectures, unless I was in the hospital.
I used to be able to read a week before an exam, and pass, but that was before all the medication that makes it hard to concentrate and to read.
Last time I was in the hospital, I actually wrote a paper, and I passed. And if I am not hospitalized when I have the exams, I know I can do this. I just have to find the fighter in me, and bring her out.

I am a dermatologist, but I had to give that up very early. How many finds their profession when they are 14? I did. But because of my health I couldn't continue. So at the age of 23 I had to give that up and find a new one.
I had to think about a profession where i could walk, stand and sit. I have to change position every hour because of my back. And as a teacher I can do some of my work at home, or in the weekends. So I can still have bad days without affecting my work. I also needed to have a job where I could work with people, So the teaching profession would be perfect for me.

Again I am sitting here. I have a few more diagnoses, and in some way I should probably give up and become disabled. But I don't want that. I wish for a "full" life. And we do spent one third of life on the job, so our work matters a hole lot.
Why Am I in this world, if its not to make a difference?

4 My Dreams!

There is one thing that a lot of people don't get. doctors, readers, family, friends and foes, a lot of them think that i take the painkillers, relaxant, antidepressants and they think i take it because of the pain, but they are wrong. I do it for my right to live. Live my life the way I have always dreamt about. To eat this everyday is not one of them: 

To have a job, where I do so much good. (i am going at a university at the moment) Of course working as a volunteers for the red cross does help in feeling that you're life has meaning, but it would be nice to be able to do that more than 2 hours a week.

I want kids, but not let us get ahead of our selfs, first I need to see how the surgery goes on Wednesday.

Before I got the message that I had cell changes in my cervical, I asked myself the question if I should have kids?

Isn't it selfish to just think about my wishes, and not about what life my kids would have? If I already had them I could understand that we had to make the best of it, but I am not in that position. I can choose, and my worst nightmare is that I don't get better and cant do all the things I want to do with my kids. play, go cross country skiing, go skating, play football, hiking, traveling and all the other small things in everyday life.

I don't want to say that mom cant join because she doesn't feel well, and have to spend the day on the couch. That would be my living nightmare to always have a bad conscience, to always feel that I should do more, be more than I can. I don't think i could live with that. Because the dream was always to be a good mom, not the couch mom.

And the last wish, the house. But I have never wanted the big house because of my back problem. I have always known that I cant clean a big house. So my dream is a small one, with a little garden, and big enough that we can have friends over for barbecue, or our yearly Christmas party.And that the kids could have their own rooms. But again, do I need the house if I don't have kids?Or cant have them? We have talked about adoption,because I have also wanted to adopt. there are so many kids out there who needs a good home. But the couch mom, is that a good home? On the other side, adoption is very expensive, I cant just cough up 60.000 dollars. But I would love that child with every bone in my body, and then some. Would love make up for me not being able to be there?

0 christmas shopping

Today my parents took me out for some shopping to get out of the house. I always get shocked by how many people I have to buy gifts for. but I am over halfway there. so that's a start.
A shopper as I am, I ended up buying new winter shoes for me. New indoors shoes, two tights, new sheets for the bed, and mittens. I can never shop for only what I set out to buy.. I think it is a disease, my brain looses all focus.
I have to make lists with who I am buying for, what I am getting them, and who remains, or I will buy several things to every person.

My brain doesn't work with this Lyrica pills. I walk like I am drunk even though my brain is clear, so high heeled shoes are a no, no. unless i wanna stay a night on a drunk cell, because i have no chance at walking on a straight line. So Lyrica makes you feel like an alcoholic. I hope that someday a drug comes on the market that could help me and others like me to have a normal life as possible, because to live like this it is the same as not living at all. I sleep all the time, I cant follow a conversation, I lie crying in pain, I can eat 2% of what exists on the marked, and all I want is to go to school, get my education, and start teaching. and also get back to the red cross and help those who need help. I want my life to have purpose again.