0 Colposcopy !

Yesterday I had my colposcopy, and it was hard to hear that I had the worst cell changes C.I.N 3.
And it so unfair. why do I always have to be the one that gets everything. Again my f###ing luck,
Not very fair at all.

So the last 24 hours have been hard, I am so scared that this is more serious than I first thought. They said it would not hurt but its not true. its very unpleasant to have this procedure, I don't like anything that has to do with the stuff down under,to say it in a nicer way.
And its strange that I feel like this because I have had like a hundred gastroscopy, and thats more invasive than anything I have been through.
I have this terrible nightmares that I am dying, and about death. I guess that this is harder than i first expected, its been such a hard year, why does it have to be become even harder ?
Why do i have to get everything? When is my time to just lean back and enjoy life? And not be so insanely scared.

 I have always been very tough. But sometimes even the strongest of us, need to be vulnerable, and cry, be scared and have a fear of dying.
After i had been in the respirator i was not scared of dying, i just thought it was so unfair that i survived  when so many die everyday, why me? Did i survive just to get cervical cancer ? shouldn't my life be more than sicness ?
And thats what is the hardest, illness does not see, it just strickes with the force of a hurricane.
Everyone always says; its always the good ones that get everything. But who are the  bad people? Aren't we all both good and bad? Neither of us is perfect, and i know that i am far from perfect. I think that my body is the bad part, and my soul is the good one.. And i hope others will se past their bodies, and see the goodness that lying in their hearts!

2 Friends and Family!

When a person is sick, everything revolves around that individual, but what about family, friends and you're better half?

I don't  know what other families does, but mine; We stick together.But it's not always easy.
Parents are very protective, but they are also very scared of loosing their child.
I have been told that when i was in the respirator, my boyfriend almost past out, seeing me like that, my sister almost did the same to.
My Mom sat beside my bed from 9 am, to 6 am everyday. she called the hospital every morning at 8 am, and every night at 8 am and 11am.
That's a time where my family had to face the possibility of me dying, and I couldn't be there for them, because I was on the other side of the crisis. And that's a lonely side. it only has one person.
But my family had to care for me, as well as taking care of their own emotions. And I can't even start to imagine how they must have felt!
To loose a child? that is a pain most of us will never be even close to feel how it feels to bury you're own child. When a family member gets sick it involves the hole unit.

My boyfriend was the one who my absence was most visible. Nobody was there when he got home from school or work. the empty place in the bed, nobody who made dinner, laughter, fighting over couch rights, favorite advertisement who make me run to the living room to do my stupid dance that always makes him smile.

 

But when I wasn't there, the commercial was a nightmare to watch.

He is my chosen family, the guy I want to spend every day with, the guy that if I am going to have kids, it's going to be him. And it hurts me that he had such a hard time when I was sick, and that he had to feel what it would be if I weren't there. he has as many scares as me, but people only focuses on my scares because they are visible.

And then we have friends that makes the days go faster. To have friends when you are sick is a lifesaver.
It's so important to have good friends you can cry to, be mad at, sleep when they are there, look like crap and they still say: you look good today! HM you think, I have looked like crap for 5 months, but thanks for the nice words that are said with the best intention.
Like so many have said before me, but I have to say it anyway: Friends are the family you choose!
 And I am blessed with some really god friends, who comes to my rescue in my darkest hour.