2 what now

i have tried pills Adalat no effect, Viagra(Sildenafil) no effect, in any way at all. you get where i am going, they have tried Botox 4 times, 2 times successful, and 2 times not the improvement that we had hoped for. i have taken stesolid, ketorax IV, morphine IV (stopped using morphine IV cause I had an allergic reaction), antidepressants, oxyContin, ketalar, ketroax PCA pump, nitroglycerin(1, 2), ketogan, lyrica, neurontin, epidural and a whole lot more i can’t even remember. but look at the bright side, who else have gotten the government to pay for Botox and Viagra??

i have tried acupuncture (see bottom of the page), 3 drops of peppermint oil in a glass of water, Oliclinomel, and i am going to try hypnosis to better deal with the whole pain situation. i am willing to try everything, and when you end up in my position you have to try everything, or you have lost. I also go to a psychologist; you have to treat your whole body, not just the physical but also the psychic part. everything goes together.
Of course there are days that i crawl under my blankets and want to stay there forever, but that is a part of the healing process. to come to terms with the fact that this is permanent, but i am far from coming to terms with it, hell no....

but i can’t keep doing this everything is perfect to friends and family, i have to change, i have this problem that i don’t want people to see that i am sick, but how can people be considerate if they don’t know that i am having a bad day. my only fear is that they will see it as irritating and not just me being sick me. we have to work on that one.
I must do this for me, and only me, and don’t feel guilty because i cant just do things impulsively. i have medicines and energy level to take into account when i say yes or no to something. and i guess i cant feel guilty if i don’t have the energy to do everything.
but i always feel guilty if i don’t give a 110% for someone else, i live to help others, probably why i joined the red cross to help. it gives me more, then i think i give them, but still, i have to learn to say NO, but how do i do that without feeling bad? i wanna make people feel good... without draining myself of energy