0 When did the patients become the bad guy???

How is it that when I as an patient makes the doctors accountable for what they have done, and I come out of it as the bad guy?
We who don't take no for an answer are seen as difficult patients. When did it come to this? that the patient is being hang out to dry, why the doctors can focus on their carriers and promotions?
And us who want a dignified life is seen as problem rather that seeing us as champions who are fighting the fight of our life to get a "normal" life as possible?.



When did the health care system goes from putting the patient in the high seat to being suer rats with no rights, and doctors can play goods, and taking the cases that will further their career rather then helping a sick, scared patient? As a patient we can be demanding, unreasonable, self centered etc, but we are not the professionals. and facing a illness can make the best of us do unreasonable things. Its not easy being trapped in a broken body.
But the professionals should know this and try to motivate, than making us feel bad for being sick, like its our fault..

Why do we have a health care system if its just to further careers than healing patients, or making their life bearable??

2 What about the 999.999 of us???

Why do we discriminate in the 21 century??
If you are over 35 you won't  get a breast reconstruction from you're own tissue, and if you do get around that age you have to wait for 7 years?? Or pay a hundred grand  from you're own pocket.
And what about all those volunteers from Utøya who doesn't get any help? They risk their life with no other reward than jeopardizing their own life. The least the Norwegian government can take care of them??
Is health care only for the rick people? I thought we all regardless of finances deserved to get the best medical help available..

But no matte how you became ill, it is just as devastating to that person. You're life gets torn upside down, and its no more fun that it comes from you're body, malpractice, or external components.
But we all deserve the best treatment, but some are just lucky if they get treated at all.

The other thing. we need more stories of people who are struggling, and who has the guts to say that it is bloody hard, and I want to give up. Not all of those sunshine stories. They don't help, I feel more depressed after reading suck a story. I feel like a completely failure.I spineless woman. Why cant I fight like this? Why cant I find a ancient remedy that no one has thought of, and have the world strongest psyche??If you are sick, you need someone to tell you, you are not alone, it is normal to be depressed, not come to terms with you're condition after 2 months, and not to do everything you just to do. Its not always in the mind.
Not all of us, can just get up after a trauma. and we need proper guidance, not sunshine stories that happens to one in a million. what about the rest 999.999 of us?

0 2 years and counting

Now it has been two years since I made the mistake of trusting doctors with a surgery that couldn't go wrong.
The nissen fundoplication was suppose to be a routine procedure with the highest risk was not being able to eat for a week.
Two years after, I think, was the reflux my hell or the esophagus spasms?
People always thinks what they are dealing with in the present is the hardest, and most painful one.
But if I would have one week of each disease, I don't know with one I would rather have..
The sick joke of life is that we always want want we cant get, and get what we don't want..
So is that was life is about, gods Sadomasochist ways of torturing us, with our vulnerable side??

I hope that others out there don't have to go through what I have too, I don't wish that on my greatest enemy, not that I have one, but no one deserve to be tortured with pain everyday. It changes you, and not for the better. You become more cynical, less understanding, and more self absorbed.
I wish I could say that I didn't, but when you have been through hell and back again, you don't understand the samll tings anymore. the little fights means nothing, and small problems seems a ways of time.
Hopefully it is just a temporary side effect of being sick. I miss the girl that cared more about others that herself, the girl that would drop everything if a friend was in pain, and the girl that laugh at least 10 times a day, sometimes I could laugh for hours...

2 Is illness only there so that others can feel blessed??

How do you hold on too the person you are when you sickness consumes you? How do you lead a normal life in all the chaos??
I have given this some thought because I feel like Alex is fading and all that is left behind is a empty shell of the person I was suppose to be..
I read all this sunshine stories of people with disabilities and illnesses, but still conquer the world work full time, raise a family, and still have strength to run a marathon..

I wish I could have read about a person that were honest, and said that things aren't as easy as we are told by the media.. It should be more like, everyday is a struggle, it sucks big time, and all I want is to rip my body to pieces and get a new one.. I am trapped in my sick, decaying body.. I want a new one.
We only get one life, why do I have to be the poster boy for how not to handle a disease?? I don't want everyone to think I am okay, cause I am not. Why couldn't I get the good body and my dreams fulfilled?? All I can see is everyone else leading perfect happy life's while I am stuck, but with the best boyfriend in the world... So ha world you cant have him to....

6 Mondays should be about hope, and the future

I always loved Mondays. A new week, new possibilities, new friends to make, and coworkers to laugh with.
No its is just the start of another bad week, with no glimmer of sun rising up from the horizon. No coworkers, and friends are not something I have the strength, or health to see every day. Maybe one a week.. So it is eight. sickness causes isolation, and isolation causes depressions, with make you isolate yourself..
How do you get put of that circle when you are still sick?? nothing to fight for other that fighting the illness itself??

0 The new psychiatric nurse

The new nurse were here yesterday, and as a creature that likes routines, I was a little sceptical, but as I said to my boyfriend; I will give her a fair shot, and sometimes change is good..
She was actually very sweet and asked a lot of honest questions.
She said she was a strait forward girl, and that that sometimes can be seen as harsh.
I said I didn't mind as long as she could deal with me being honest back, and not sugarcoat it.
Everyone works differently, and maybe everyone will get the same outcome in the end, but just in different ways.

so hopefully this will lead to a positive change for once, or maybe it will be hell, time will tell... good weekend to everyone :)

0 Change Again.....

This last month has been one disappointing after another. And now my Psychiatric nurse is leaving her job.
It cant be easy when you end up as the patients you are helping, so I hope for her sake that she will find peace, better health, and a job that doesn't drain the life out of her.
But I am a little scared of the new nurse. I felt I was at a job interview. She was very tough. But I will give her a fair chance. she deserves that. But I will miss Ellen. I don't think I would have survived the last year without her.
She has given me perspective, help with my rights, someone who listens and sometimes talk about absolutely
nothing when I felt I had nothing to give.  But New week, new opportunities..

0 Everything will be OK ......

Everything will be OK in the end. If it`s not OK, it`s not the end... (Unknown)

Holding on to the tiniest hope I can :)

3 Will my life matter???

I used to be a volunteer with the red cross., and I loved it. In Norway we are used to that the government are suppose to take care of the sick and those who cant take care of them selfs.
We don't have the same outlook on charity as American, or thousands of charities such as habitat for humanity,food banks, Animal and Education Charities to name a few.
But why do we do it. everyone including myself says that I do it because I want to make a difference, I want to know that I saved a person. My life mattered. I wont be remembered in a thousand years, but my actions will be a echo through times because featuring generations will grow up because I saved others..

But in all this I think I do this to help myself. I get a kick out of helping others, and I don't have to pay for it. And the hangover is as sweet as the first ice cream you got when the summer came.
I get to feel that I, and my life mattered for the brief moment I was on this earth.
I hope our society will get back to what it was before. living together, talking and befriend the neighbor, keep the streets safe, and borrow a cup of sugar from you're neighbor .
I hope we will start to connect again to other people through the living plane, and not only through computers and technology.
Humans are pack animals, its time we start to go back to that, otherwise, how are we going to save this planet we are poisoning ????

0 when does it stop??

I wonder, when is enough enough?? Do you have to get to hell before you can come to heaven? Or is life hell, and we are all trying to be angels in a world torn apart by war, hunger and decease?
I thought that I soon would see green meadows again, laugh until I wet myself, see the beauty in the world and people the way I used to.

But my pain never comes alone. 2 weeks ago my world felt into darkness when I was told they wouldn't do the botox.
Now I am told that the irregular cell division in my uterus is back. so much for closing that chapter. So now I have to take a new biopsy. I am afraid that the only way to get this under control is to do a hysterectomy.
This is not a good way to start a weekend after a horrible couple of weeks. when will it end?? When will my suffering end?