2 today has been a good one...

I have had 2 good friends who came to visit me and gave me a lovely flower bouquet. one of them, have a little baby that is 5 months old.
It's nice to see people, and not get to isolated, when you are in pain, but think about it for yourself? how would you deal with overpowering pain? We all think we are so strong but when all comes to all, it's okay to not be so strong, and ask for help. Being in pain is no way to live, been drugged down so much that you just sleep all the time, is not a way to live either. The doctors have to find the golden midway. What is hardest is that I really don't want to go on any medicine at all, I just want the doctors to get off their asses and cure me.

But this has been one of the better days i have had, and comments that I am becoming a junky, it's really not necessary. Would that person have said that if I were fighting cancer? Or any other known diseases that we know are painful. that's what is the hardest. Nobody believes you because they don't know the disease and how much this hurts.

It's not a good feeling to hope that you could have an illness (like cancer) that there is a hope that you can be cured. Because this is the problem. They can't cure me, so how do you people out there think I should grab this "state" am in?

We are looking at every single website we can find. We have bought the latest research on esophagus spasms, we are trying alternative, and experimental treatment. but none of this will make me healthy, it will only make the symptoms less visible.

So for all of you out there who thinks all I will become is a junkie, come on.... either give me some hope that can give me a chance to find a cure, or stop being so judgmental!



Aren't the flowers pretty?

2 my day..... how was yours?

Life isn't always bad, I had a visit from my grandparents who I love dearly. and then my friend Elisabeth stopped by for some good girl talk, i really need to get some things off my chest, and I cant write it all in this blog.

Then a good friend of my stopped by to see how I was doing, but tonight has been very painful.
I have basically been lying in fetus position all night. the f***ing spasm are of course coming back now that my fentanyl patch is in a smaller strength. if you think that the pain isn't there it won't be there. what a load of crap! I have prayed many times and hoped that my back pain would go away, but I have still not seen such luck. don't get me wrong, I do believe in the power of trying and not giving up. I should not be doing all the things that I do, but I am, not now, not ever am I giving up. I am going to get a life.

Think about that for a second, what do you really want with your life? work? husband? wife? kids? house? pet? what are your hobbies? take a minute to think what you can do today to get the life you want, that you maybe have pushed far back in your brain, and think what you can do today to get one step closer to that dream.
But remember, don't only dream for you, do it for those around you that you love, maybe they need help to achieve their dream. I know it's a cliché, but none of us know when a serious illness will strike, or worse.
I have lived with illness all my life, but to get a new one when you are an adult it really throws you. and esophagus spasms as strong as i have is like having a cramp in your calf and multiplied that by ten, with no way to get it to let go. how am I meant to live with this? how can they give me up?

And the worst is that they are saying if I had cancer or was older they would ease my pain. what does having a known disease and old age have to do with pain? so i cant have pain because I am young? so because I am young I have to live a painful life just because of my age? and that life without help, will be a life in torture every day, eating will be a nightmare, and life will not be living, just existing!