There is one thing that a lot of people don't get. doctors, readers, family, friends and foes, a lot of them think that i take the painkillers, relaxant, antidepressants and they think i take it because of the pain, but they are wrong. I do it for my right to live. Live my life the way I have always dreamt about. To eat this everyday is not one of them:
To have a job, where I do so much good. (i am going at a university at the moment) Of course working as a volunteers for the red cross does help in feeling that you're life has meaning, but it would be nice to be able to do that more than 2 hours a week.
I want kids, but not let us get ahead of our selfs, first I need to see how the surgery goes on Wednesday.
Before I got the message that I had cell changes in my cervical, I asked myself the question if I should have kids?
Isn't it selfish to just think about my wishes, and not about what life my kids would have? If I already had them I could understand that we had to make the best of it, but I am not in that position. I can choose, and my worst nightmare is that I don't get better and cant do all the things I want to do with my kids. play, go cross country skiing, go skating, play football, hiking, traveling and all the other small things in everyday life.
I don't want to say that mom cant join because she doesn't feel well, and have to spend the day on the couch. That would be my living nightmare to always have a bad conscience, to always feel that I should do more, be more than I can. I don't think i could live with that. Because the dream was always to be a good mom, not the couch mom.
And the last wish, the house. But I have never wanted the big house because of my back problem. I have always known that I cant clean a big house. So my dream is a small one, with a little garden, and big enough that we can have friends over for barbecue, or our yearly Christmas party.And that the kids could have their own rooms. But again, do I need the house if I don't have kids?Or cant have them? We have talked about adoption,because I have also wanted to adopt. there are so many kids out there who needs a good home. But the couch mom, is that a good home? On the other side, adoption is very expensive, I cant just cough up 60.000 dollars. But I would love that child with every bone in my body, and then some. Would love make up for me not being able to be there?
