2 My Boy

My boyfriend is pretty amazing. He stands by me no matter what, he tolerates my mood swings, My need to keep the house clean and tidy. And if I cant have kids that is okay with him, because what matter is that I am here and alive. So this weekend I am taking a grenade for him, enjoy :)

0 The Internett..

The internett is a breakthrough in how we communicate with each other. We can buy absolutely everything including drugs. The good thing is that if you are a little shy, or live far from a city you can steel get everything. We read the paper, books, facebook, manuals, twitter,gossip, e-mails and of course blogs.
When I grew up I used to write my inner thoughts in a diary. My place where I could be honest with myself.
Nothing is secret anymore. We share every thought. Well every happy thought.
And with this happy thoughts we must pretend that life always is beautiful, full of love, and that you're partner and children is perfect. Depression, health problems and a normal ups and downs life has become taboo.

Is that what our time has come to? Have we become so shallow, that we need to lie in order to build self esteem? Our home walls have become as high as skyscrapers.
I am no better. My problem is that I have become honest in my blog. But in my everyday life, my line is: " I 'm fine".
And I am not fine, at all, but i hope that I will be someday. And I hope my children will be perfect little devious monsters that I will love with all my heart.
And that my boyfriend will never ask me to marry him, and that I will always regret that we didn't get hitch in Vegas for the price of $39.99, when we had the chance.

But life is just to short for regrets, we can always print out a poster of Vegas and get married in front of that. Someday..

2 My Dream..

I have written before what my dreams in life were, and it still remains the same.
The only problem is that I feel that my life is passing bye me in still frame. frame bye frame.
And I cant stop it. I want children, but how?
I wanna work, and get my degree, but how?
How do you fight for the things you want, when you someday have problems with getting to the bathroom twice?

Painting by: Josephine Wall

4 My Dreams!

There is one thing that a lot of people don't get. doctors, readers, family, friends and foes, a lot of them think that i take the painkillers, relaxant, antidepressants and they think i take it because of the pain, but they are wrong. I do it for my right to live. Live my life the way I have always dreamt about. To eat this everyday is not one of them: 

To have a job, where I do so much good. (i am going at a university at the moment) Of course working as a volunteers for the red cross does help in feeling that you're life has meaning, but it would be nice to be able to do that more than 2 hours a week.

I want kids, but not let us get ahead of our selfs, first I need to see how the surgery goes on Wednesday.

Before I got the message that I had cell changes in my cervical, I asked myself the question if I should have kids?

Isn't it selfish to just think about my wishes, and not about what life my kids would have? If I already had them I could understand that we had to make the best of it, but I am not in that position. I can choose, and my worst nightmare is that I don't get better and cant do all the things I want to do with my kids. play, go cross country skiing, go skating, play football, hiking, traveling and all the other small things in everyday life.

I don't want to say that mom cant join because she doesn't feel well, and have to spend the day on the couch. That would be my living nightmare to always have a bad conscience, to always feel that I should do more, be more than I can. I don't think i could live with that. Because the dream was always to be a good mom, not the couch mom.

And the last wish, the house. But I have never wanted the big house because of my back problem. I have always known that I cant clean a big house. So my dream is a small one, with a little garden, and big enough that we can have friends over for barbecue, or our yearly Christmas party.And that the kids could have their own rooms. But again, do I need the house if I don't have kids?Or cant have them? We have talked about adoption,because I have also wanted to adopt. there are so many kids out there who needs a good home. But the couch mom, is that a good home? On the other side, adoption is very expensive, I cant just cough up 60.000 dollars. But I would love that child with every bone in my body, and then some. Would love make up for me not being able to be there?