11 Saturday....

Today is one of those day I never thought that I would have, ever again.
I have actually cleaned the hole house. I have been through my jewelery, and thrown out the ones that were broken. I have washed clothes, and the kitchen is looking spotless.
And..... drum roll please.......... I have eaten an omelet!

I have promised my mom that I am not going to lie about how I feel. I have a problem in that area, I am so used to not telling anyone how much pain I have been in with my back.
I always had this feeling that people wouldn't be around me if I told them every time we were together that I was in pain. So I started to hide it, and I became very good at it, a real pokerface.
I also had this idea that if I cried "wolf" to many times that no one would listen to me when I needed help.
And I did feel just that when I told the doctors a year ago that something was wrong with my lung.
This one doctor he said that I only had withdrawal pain. He wasn't to cocky 3 days later when I was put on the respirator.
 There is one thing I have realized over the last year, I know my body better than anyone, and no one is ever going to tell me than nothing is wrong when I can feel it with every bone in my body.

I was going to write after omelet : But it doesn't stop there.............. I have not been lying on the couch after words in great pain!
But that would have been I lie, and I am never going to lie to you or to myself ever again. If I feel sick, then that is what I am going to tell you....

4 My Dreams!

There is one thing that a lot of people don't get. doctors, readers, family, friends and foes, a lot of them think that i take the painkillers, relaxant, antidepressants and they think i take it because of the pain, but they are wrong. I do it for my right to live. Live my life the way I have always dreamt about. To eat this everyday is not one of them: 

To have a job, where I do so much good. (i am going at a university at the moment) Of course working as a volunteers for the red cross does help in feeling that you're life has meaning, but it would be nice to be able to do that more than 2 hours a week.

I want kids, but not let us get ahead of our selfs, first I need to see how the surgery goes on Wednesday.

Before I got the message that I had cell changes in my cervical, I asked myself the question if I should have kids?

Isn't it selfish to just think about my wishes, and not about what life my kids would have? If I already had them I could understand that we had to make the best of it, but I am not in that position. I can choose, and my worst nightmare is that I don't get better and cant do all the things I want to do with my kids. play, go cross country skiing, go skating, play football, hiking, traveling and all the other small things in everyday life.

I don't want to say that mom cant join because she doesn't feel well, and have to spend the day on the couch. That would be my living nightmare to always have a bad conscience, to always feel that I should do more, be more than I can. I don't think i could live with that. Because the dream was always to be a good mom, not the couch mom.

And the last wish, the house. But I have never wanted the big house because of my back problem. I have always known that I cant clean a big house. So my dream is a small one, with a little garden, and big enough that we can have friends over for barbecue, or our yearly Christmas party.And that the kids could have their own rooms. But again, do I need the house if I don't have kids?Or cant have them? We have talked about adoption,because I have also wanted to adopt. there are so many kids out there who needs a good home. But the couch mom, is that a good home? On the other side, adoption is very expensive, I cant just cough up 60.000 dollars. But I would love that child with every bone in my body, and then some. Would love make up for me not being able to be there?