How do you hold on too the person you are when you sickness consumes you? How do you lead a normal life in all the chaos??
I have given this some thought because I feel like Alex is fading and all that is left behind is a empty shell of the person I was suppose to be..
I read all this sunshine stories of people with disabilities and illnesses, but still conquer the world work full time, raise a family, and still have strength to run a marathon..
I wish I could have read about a person that were honest, and said that things aren't as easy as we are told by the media.. It should be more like, everyday is a struggle, it sucks big time, and all I want is to rip my body to pieces and get a new one.. I am trapped in my sick, decaying body.. I want a new one.
We only get one life, why do I have to be the poster boy for how not to handle a disease?? I don't want everyone to think I am okay, cause I am not. Why couldn't I get the good body and my dreams fulfilled?? All I can see is everyone else leading perfect happy life's while I am stuck, but with the best boyfriend in the world... So ha world you cant have him to....
Alex, hold on. I am almost there. Current posts are ahead.
ReplyDeleteYou need to know that life is defined by how we choose to face it.
I, myself, hate when I awake to ungodly pain and nit the sounds of birds singing out my window. I NEVER get relief....EVER. It is the first thing to greet me and the last memory as I finally fall asleep from pure exhaustion.
I CANNOT ever release it, or hide from it. IT is a part of me. An extra limb perhaps to drag behind me daily. When I manage to sit up from sleep all I know is "PAIN" and tears. My husband hears me. He knows nothing he can donor say will help. It is my morning routine. I must cry first. Then I can manage the stairs to go to toilet. But first the tears...
"shall we go for a day out?"
I wonder, will the weather and pain allow...
"yes, we shall go. I...we....need to go out. We have no bread."
Once I am out and on the bus...I look over at my husband beside me. I smile. I whisper to him..I love you. I am happy to be out. To cheat my pain. To not allow the pain to steal this day from me. Oh not today....NOT today.
HUGS ALEX. We both will not let today's pain take away today. It can have my nights, but NOT today.
My husband reachs over and he squeezes my hand. He thinks I am brave. I know I am just trying to make today survivable.
I relate to what you are saying. And I am crying on you're behave. I wished I could take it away, that I could take you're pain for one day, so you could start one day with gratitude. waking up and looking over to you're husband and the first thing you feel is LOVE...
ReplyDeleteBefore all this I had a back problem, which I was operated on when I was 14 years old. The surgery backfired and I have a lot of back pain. And one position for a long time is not good, so every morning I wake up I have to put in an extra hour just to get out of bed. But I god used to it. It was my life, and I live with it, I knew my limitation, and I knew how long I would have to pay if I pushed it to far.
And That what I have to figure out here. What is my box like, and how to life a full life inside that box.
The only problem is that my esophagus spasms aren't controllable... Do you have any tips on how to deal with pain on a murder spree???
Hugs Alex