0 Rule of Law, then my law...

Means predictability, fairness, equality and impartiality in the proceedings.
universal principles of fairness, morality, and justice that transcend human legal systems.

I was at my Lawyer today. And that was an interesting meting.
He told me that because NPE has made rulings about my medical disability by phone, that this is in volatilization with rule of law.
I don't know what they talked about, if NPE was leading the doctor or "asking" the right/wrong questions.
But in our outstanding society is that there are nothing you can get them on, because I am not entitled to compensation if they have violated my rights. At least not through NPE.  horrendous if you ask me, but who ever asks a patient?
That means they can do whatever the hell they like, and if the patient/lawyer

0 Few shouldn't fight alone, or be left alone!!

I read this article that a girl who had gotten Cancer, said that since she saw this as a national disease,and  that everyone should get operated within a day, because the wait was the hardest.
I thought not having a diagnosis is the worst , closely after post op pain, chemo, and radiation treatments??
The other thing was that this should be top priority because so many got Collen cancer a year.approximately 3600  in Norway alone, and on top of that came family and friends, the whole network is affected.
I will say that with the patient alongside the network and the Cancer Society, thats a lot of people fighting you're fight.

I dare to say that a person with an unknown or rare disease or mutation needs more backing. No one will fund research

0 Why medicate, if not propaply??

My sense of my world is going into turmoil.. My transdermal patches wont sit properly on my skin and do its job. It falls of more times than I can count, and I have tried everything to get it to fasten.
But when I but a plastic film over all it does is mask the problem so when I take it on, only the plastic sits tight on my skin.
I have also been to the State University Hospital, to get another adhesive to try and

0 Naive or hurt or poetic ?

Have you ever had one of those days? weeks? Where everything seems impossible??
In Norway we say its getting out of bed on the wrong leg.....

0 Am I worthless???

I have always said that you have to look back to see where you are headed, and that every experience, shape you into who you will become, but sometimes it gets you to a place you don't want to be...
I say that i don't dwell on the past, and only want to look ahead, but thats dam hard. My psychologist say that only should use my past to help me shape a new future, but even though I know that this is right, I go back.

Wanting to make different choices, see the good, rather ten the bad. see light instead of darkness.
But can you really see the roses if you haven't seen them at their worst? can you smell the fresh air if you haven't breathed in polluted air??
Its easy, saying no regrets, its harder to mean it!
I want my personality to be perceived as a nice, empathic, good listener, who are there for those around me.
But the last years I have felt like I am more of a burden, people are tired of me being sick, not moving forward, and snap out of it. So why do I care what people think of me, if all I am is negative baggage??

I have said many times that I am not my illness, I don't address it if no one takes it up, but still I feel that all everyone see is a lazy girl who need to get her act together, and thats the hardest, having several illnesses that no one can see, relate to. How can you be empathic if you have never felt pain??
How do I live with something no one wants to see? something I cant turn of, but desperately want gone?

Why should sick people hide their illness, when others can have their problems or successes out there in the open? If I had done everything thats "expected" of me, it will still not be enough, because as long as I am sick, I am worthless to society, and worth less than a cockroach.

0 Whats worse; doctors or my diseases???

To get back some of the life I had is not a steep curve upwards.
To fight the system, doctors, Nav, NPE, societies judgmental attitudes towards sick people.
Going to a psychologist and physical therapy has helpt me a lot, it was a steep learning curve, but you cant always go up..
It is bloody hard, painful, raw, emotional, and really depressing at times.
And this is one of this times.. I am tired of fighting doctors. If I say I don't want to use morphine, I am being manipulative,

1 Death before a feuneral..

My grandmother died last Friday.. thats why I have been awol just being there her last days.... Its hard to see someone you love die, but excruciation seeing them die of what I almost died from a few years ago. Its a cold reality I don't wish on anyone, knowing the pain, but seeing my grandmother say it doesn't hurt, when I know that is just to comfort us, because it is anything but painless...
No one knows what its like to die, and do you want to know? really??
I don't want to know, but cant get it out. Isn't that the truth? We only want to until we do, then we wished we didn't??

My grandmother is going to be buried tomorrow, me and my sister has put some words together, to her, for her. But she deserves it... She has had a hard life, and both her parents died when she was really young. It was only her and her brother for all this years. And for me he wasn't only her brother, he was like a uncle, and our families has been close, and living in the same neighborhood.

But yesterday, her brother was found dead in his home, alone.. how can siblings die a week apart? And he wasn't even sick.
I never thought you couldn't die from pain or heart ace, but I have become a believer. The irony is that my grandmother wanted to die like that, just fall asleep, no pain, but not alone! Death sucks anyway you put it.
They say that death never comes alone, and that 3 die together. But in my book, 1 is to many and 2 is unbearable, and 3 is a tragedy!

 To say that death is a part of life,is to comfort, it isn't anymore fun to see someone you have loved all you're life die, than someone young die. it is unfair anyway. you want just one more day, another hour to tell them that you love them, and not have to deal with them being gone.
My grandmother believed in god, and all I can think is that now they can be together again, as they always were in life. just the two of them..

"Now I lay you down to sleep
Pray the lord you're soul to keep
And if you die before I wake
Pray the lord you're soul to take"
Some people cant live without the other, so go be with grand mom, and tell her that I love her!