Saturday, September 8, 2012

0 Am I worthless???

I have always said that you have to look back to see where you are headed, and that every experience, shape you into who you will become, but sometimes it gets you to a place you don't want to be...
I say that i don't dwell on the past, and only want to look ahead, but thats dam hard. My psychologist say that only should use my past to help me shape a new future, but even though I know that this is right, I go back.

Wanting to make different choices, see the good, rather ten the bad. see light instead of darkness.
But can you really see the roses if you haven't seen them at their worst? can you smell the fresh air if you haven't breathed in polluted air??
Its easy, saying no regrets, its harder to mean it!
I want my personality to be perceived as a nice, empathic, good listener, who are there for those around me.
But the last years I have felt like I am more of a burden, people are tired of me being sick, not moving forward, and snap out of it. So why do I care what people think of me, if all I am is negative baggage??

I have said many times that I am not my illness, I don't address it if no one takes it up, but still I feel that all everyone see is a lazy girl who need to get her act together, and thats the hardest, having several illnesses that no one can see, relate to. How can you be empathic if you have never felt pain??
How do I live with something no one wants to see? something I cant turn of, but desperately want gone?

Why should sick people hide their illness, when others can have their problems or successes out there in the open? If I had done everything thats "expected" of me, it will still not be enough, because as long as I am sick, I am worthless to society, and worth less than a cockroach.

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