0 Trapped

I think that the worst part of being sick is that you feel trapped.
Trapped in a broken body, a body that doesn't work properly.
Maybe thats why we always takes about the soul, because it is flouting, something you cant touch, and somehow two people are nothing alike.
I do like the thought that I am a soul on eternal wandering, from body to body, in all different shapes and colors.
And yet when you are sick you want a new body, but you want to stay in you're surroundings, and with this family, husband etc.
I want anew body, but don't want to leave this life, I want to finish it as an old lady with grandkids and my family around me.

0 Holiday

I hope everyone has have a good easter holiday. Usually Norwegian easter holiday consists of Snow, skiing, kvikk-lunsj chocolate, hot cocoa and oranges. If the weather goods is good its a easterwith a lot of sun, and lots of it. And it was a sunny easter this year, the only problem was that the snow was gone and we had temperatures up to 17 °C/ 63°F.
But for me.. well I had a lot of ice creams.. I have discovered that fruit lollies cool down my throat even if just for a second.
 And I guess when you are in pain, seconds are just what you need.

0 How be the best??

Why is it that we strife to be the best we can be! But what is the best?
Is it to be a really good mom? Or maybe be the toughest business woman out there?
When we were in high school it was about three things: good grades, popularity and boys. Well some of us also had work but that wasn't part of school.
So now when we are all grown up, what do we want? My friends are all hung up in their own things. Some with family-life, others as single parents, some dreams of a boyfriend and eventually a child. But I do have friends that are still in school as myself, and what do they think of? exams,, and exams..

When I was in high school time wasn't moving as fast as is does today. A week 10 years ago is like a month today. And it doesn't seem to change.
And with time moving faster everyone has their priorities. And the long for you're own family grows stronger, but the hope fades.
So if I am going to be the best I can be, I have to be able to finish my university grade, and get to teach. And to help teenager at the red cross.

0 Masochistic Me

I am aware that I am little masochistic. I watch medical shows, and I can relate, a little to much but still, I am a little upset about it, because I want to learn more about it, so I can understand what the doctors are telling me. I don't want them to go over my head any longer. I have reach my limit.
What I did want to share, was this really freakishly thing. I was watching a episode of Grays Anatomy, where there were this boat accident, and one of the interns had to use a drill to relive the pressure in a mans skull.
And when she begins to drill, I get a surround sound, because in that exact moment, my neighbors starts to drill as well.
That was a moment where I thought maybe there is a god, this was shivering down you're spine incident.
So since its easter, I am going to reflect over this holiday, and my thoughts about God, Jesus and the disciples.

0 Genes

If you have a job that you love, you will never work a day in you're life!
To never work a day in you're life, you need good health.
To have a good health, you need good genes,
To have good genes, you need 2 remarkable people to procreate.
To procreate you need lust, chemistry and pheromones!

0 Life as a rollercoster

Life is like a roller coaster, thats starts of really slow, and keeps getting faster and faster.
And then something unexpected happens, and that feels like the carousel starts spinning around it-selfs.
Isn't that what life is : a lot of unexpected turns, drops, loops, and sudden stops?
And the outcome is just the same: sometimes you get a surge of adrenalin, other times you get dizzy or throw up.Or you're heart starts beating really fast, and it can feel like butterflies in you're stomach.

Who hasn't been scared, exited,cried and gotten a splash of water to cool you're brain.
Who has not experienced that sitting in you're seat is really smelly, but you have to ride it out and hope something good comes out of it.
Sometimes you have to take a keep of faith, and hope that by doing so you will get more that you ever dreamt of.

Have you ever felt the feeling when the carousel is dragged up the steep hill and you do not know what to believe? Is this going to be the ride of you're life or is it going to be a nightmare, but you cant know until you've tried it!

When you have reach bottom, then they take a picture.. Who will pay $ 10 a photo that shows his/her life's down fall ?

0 Be me

I used to be this happy cheerful person. If you called me during the halftime, you wouldn't get to see the second half, because I talked to much.
A friend of my once said that if you brought a lot of people together that didn't know each other, I would break the ice within seconds.
I worked 75% and still finished high school with good grades. If one of my friends was in trouble, or a hard breakup, I would always be there within 30 min.
I would even drink on a Tuesday, if that was needed so my friend could have one crazy night. before figure out what they needed to do with their life.
I was the nice, cute crazy friend. never the sexy exploratory friend. And I was okay with that, because I was me, or at least if was trying to find the true me, and I found her after a few years of partying, moving over seas, breakups,and finding good friends.
My teens, and my young adult life gave me the confidence to be the true me, and I was following my dreams.

And now I don't know what I can be, and I feel the girl I was so proud of being is slipping away. And I am scared
Life is short, and as everyone else I don't want to look back and have any regrets
So how do I that when I have so many chronicle illnesses ??

4 A new life...

 A few months ago my mother in law wanted to throw away this shelf of solid wood. I thought that would be a huge mistake, so I asked if I could get it, and I did.
So I went to a paint shop, and bought paint, and to a hardware store and bought abrasive paper, and paint roller, and paintbrushes.
I did use a few weeks on this project because I wanted the paint to dry, and I also had to take into account that my health isn't to good, so that I could use many hours a day.

I also had to use a mask, so that I wouldn't inhale the fumes that are coming from the paint. I also used thick brown paper underneath so I didn't get paint on the floor.

This is the final result. I have used things I got from my baptism. The swan is a gift from my great grandmother from Denmark. I am waiting on some things that my boyfriend loved growing up. I want this shell to be like a memory box from our childhoods.

I must say that I am very pleased with the result, and I am  so glad that i " saved" this furniture, and restored it into its former glory :)
And nothing is better than old peaces that gets a new chance!

3 Babysit my deamon baby.....

everybody is asking what they can do for me, and how they can help.
I have come up with the perfect plan. How about babysitting my illness, so that I can take a break?
Parents have babysitters for thwy kids all the time, so why cant they do that with my esophagus spasms?
The only consern I have is how the sitter will deal with having esophagus spasms for  evening.
On the other hand, maybe people would easier understand why I have to cancel meetings with friends, and parties, hiking and shopping.

0 I Wish

I wish for doctors who just want to help, and became doctors for that reason only.
I want doctors who are authoritative so that you will get the best help imaginable.
I need doctors who want to work for the money.

My life revolves around one ting: how to get better!
But when you have about 4 hours a week you can commit to nag doctors, take phone calls, do classes (pain school), research new drugs and procedures.
Does 4 hours are goes to fast and comes to rarely. But to get more hours, I need to get better, but to get better I need the doctors to do something!

2 Fed up with it all....

The worse part of being sick is that you feel the entire world on you're shoulders.
You are never at peace. Its always some fight you have to get trough. You cant rely on anyone to help you.
and all you long for is that someone will come along and say: I will fight for you, I will help you.
When the doctors are lasing out at you, you are defenseless, because you are so tired that you don't know how you will get through it.
How can you win when the doctors you are fighting against, are the doctors that will be the ones who treat you?
How will the little insignificant me have something to stand up with the doctors?
You really have to be a bitch to ever get anywhere, and I don't want to be that, why cant the good girls get to the finishline first for ones??

1 Esophagus spasms...

Why do life has do be so hard? Why is pain so consuming? Why cant life be the perfect ever after?
I am so tired of having pain, then I am taking Ketogan, then its a little better, so then I eat a little bit, then I am in pain again, and so it goes, round and round. A very time consuming affair, that I Am tired of repeating.
To be sick, and to nor trust the health system is so scaring, because you should be able to rely on them, not be frightened!
What is esophagus spasms?? Its a shitty disease, that takes away you're confidence, it isolates you, drain you're energy and all in all makes you belive is not worth living. But it doesn't kill you, so it keeps throwing you to the lions over and over and over until you cant stand on you're feet. But no cure- So what to do next??

3 Be me tomorrow

Isn't that what all of us sick people want? A better tomorrow, a brighter future, and in my case: A Healthy body.
But instead of being healthy you can dream of a Career, House, Traveling, Pet, Spouse, Children, Fame Or winning a championship. The one thing that we all want:  Our dream.
The one thing everyone can relate to is that we all are fighting for something we dream of.
Or in my case: I day dream about a lot ( Maybe because I can never remember my night dream).
And I wanna be in on the action when I am swept away by a vampire that most have me, he turns me, and I will never be in pain again..

I know its a silly dream, but I think we all sometime in our life's have wanted to be someone else.
Anyway, I don't know how many times I have been on this couch dreaming of a better tomorrow. Where I can travel and see the world again, go on a ski trip and a bicycle trip in the Forrest.
But the one thing I want more than anything is to sit at our kitchen table with my boyfriend and our children, and where I am able to eat with them, without the fear of Esophagus spasms.


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0 Be More than myself yesterday...

When I am in pain  I sometimes start to think that maybe I deserve this?
Have I done something to another living creature, so I deserve this?
I have actually still bad conscious because I didn't give this boy home from school one day my last candy!
Okay so I was 8 years old, and didn't know him, but I still hope I didn't scar him..
When you are sick, you start to dismantle memories and moments from you're life, and see if there was anything I could or should have done different.
But I am hoping that I will get to live life to the fullest one day, and then I am going to make new wonderful memories.. hopefully.. one day...

0 You think different when you are in pain

I am on my couch and thinking today. Its funny, when you are in a lot of pain you get very masochistic thoughts.
Mine goes to that if I was an animal I would have been put to sleep long ago.
You can argue and say that you cant compare, But because we cant compare doesn't mean that we shouldn't. . Maybe thats why we should?

You're thoughts are different when you are sick! When you are healthy you have dreams, hope, determination.
But when you are ill all of you're thoughts are about: What if I don't get better? Will my boyfriend handle this? Will my friends understand? Would people think of me when I am gone? Will life be bearable again etc?

3 Broken Dreams

I feel like I am in a vacuum. When the bubble is bursting I can only hope that this is not happening to me.
Why do I have to live in pain, agony, and my dreams are gone with the wind?
Is this what my life was about? Pain? Broken dreams? I never even got to launch my career.

Shouldn't life be about achievements? goals? Love? House, kids, dog and a Volvo?

When I was a teenager I thought I could conquer the world, be me, not sick me. I had hope for the future.

Now my hope are turned into fear. Achievements into failure, and My dream are broken!

9 The Letter..

Never say its a dull day at our household. Today I got the letter that changes everything.
The National Hospital says that they wont do another manometry, and new botox.
Because it didn't work like they wanted it to last time they wont do nothing more.
Its like with the myotomy. Because I got the abscess because of bad surgery, they wont help me now.
Have you ever had a hearth ace? And it feels like you will never live again?
Thats how I feel now, the only difference is that I will never live again, I only have a life of pain!