0 Who am I going to be???

Today was suppose to be the first day of the rest of my life.
Instead its a day that reminds me what I have lost, what my future will not hold.
No hope that tomorrow will bring happiness, possibilities, strength to fulfill  my dreams.
My goals in life was always about helping others, my dream was to help people reach their potential.
Why else become a teacher, volunteering as a homework helper with the red cross??

2 Hope is not in my heart right now..

This weekend have been one of the worst ones in my life... I felt like the walls of my life came crumbling down around me, and all I wanted was to shake someone till they started to listen.
Today I was at my family doctor and she couldn't understand that they could just say no after they had promised and booked the appointment...
So she is going to contact them and get some answers, she understood that a doctor could be afraid of something going wrong, but not that he could block everyone else from helping me..
And he has written in my journal that he is more concerned with the drugs than the esophagus spasms, so then it should be a no brainer giving me a new botox.
I will never get doctors... are there there to help you, or to further their career?? Are they good Samaritans by heart, or the status that being a doctor gives them?
The only thing they all hate is drugs, if drugs were taking out of the equation, doctors would be more pleasant to talk to.. I always thought drugs were a means to an end, to give patients quality of life. but I have never heard that line, only reduction or discontinuation. Quality??? Thats a world that will never fit into the line of helping sick humans, its all about, money, status and to push the limits of what is possible, at the expense of the patient..

8 Its over... I lost the war

From this day forward I will be known for the girl who lost it all.
They called me today from the hospital and told me that they wont do the botox injection after all.
My doctor is going on sabbatical, and my "new" old doctor don't want to do it.
so then they wont do it.
How can they call someone up over the phone and tell them that their life is over????
Has it come down to this that one doctor can seal the faith over a person.
Hey you, the rest of you're life is going to be a living hell, but we will right a memo so that they can see that no of the regular treatment for esophagus spasms will help you, (we are to scared that if we touch you and something goes wrong like an operation that you will sue us)..
Are doctors turning into politician? play dirty and if one young girl gets fried.. it worth it as long a s a snake of a doctor can keep sitting in the chief seat, thats way more important than actually helping the patient....
Go F%&ck your selfs.......

2 My Future

My dream for the future is to yet again see the future, and dream of the future.
Not to look back at all the hard past that has been my life until now..
Life should be a ocean of possibilities, but all I see is sinking boat, with no means to escape.
All I can do is fight as hard as I can until I have no strength left, an maybe I can see a shoreline in the distance... The future is in front of me, I pray I have it in me to get there!

0 I want to function down under

I was so happy in may when I finally got my period.
But since then It has been very quite down under.. But there is nothing wrong with my hormones, ovaries, uterus...
So then the question is? is it because I am stressed? poor general health? wrong diet? no exercise? gain weight, lost weight?
Or have I simply reached  menopause at the age of 30?

When it comes to the human body,

2 Catapresan®

Catapresan is suppose to be really good against withdrawal pain, and making reduction more manageable.
What they didn't tell is that this was used in the 50 s as a miracle drug against high blood pressure, but because of all the side effects they stopped using it.
In the 90s they saw that is could be used when coming of a narcotic drug..
I have been of it for 3 months and already I can feel that my dizziness, and feeling like I am going to faint has almost disappeared.
I know we belive in our doctors and that they want what is best for us, but sometimes I feel like they are withholding vital information about treatment, side effects and prognoses for a diagnoses

2 happy fairy to the Norwegian female Thor!

Yesterday, I was so fortunate that I found a doctor that sees my problem as a physiological, and not emotional.
I have no problem with it being a mental issue, what I resented is that they did so with no examination to back up their theory, with it being a mental one.
But thats not what todays story is all about.
No my story today has to do with my doctor sending me to a regional hospital for treatment of my esophagus spasms, but I am not even in the pool of those who need treatment within a giving date, however I could expect to be treated before June 2012!

How sick is that? If I don't need quick treatment, then who does?? Does it really come down to how good requisition you're doctor writes? Or if you know the right people?This is messed up. We should have a system where all health care professionals could get into our medical journal so they can see who really needs it, and not how much you're doctor exaggerate and makes a few embellishing remarks. Then they could get a clear picture of the medical problem and history!

I am mad, so mad that I think I am starting to grow horns out of my forehead. I am sick of those who shout out the loudest get treated first. I hate myself for beginning to manipulate doctors, because thats the only way too get help. Why cant we trust in the fact that no one wants to be sick, exception MBPS, self harming, etc, but this are also illnesses, and I don't think they want to be sick anymore then the rest.
Either you are sick, or you aren't, thats how easy it should be. and it should never be about doubting the patient, trust me we doubt our-selfs all the time, why do you doctors think that so many of us are on anti-depressants??

2 0-1 for ME

If I have ever said there there are more people in the health care system who cares more about power, money, basically their own career more then the patients..
I have to many times told them that what I really mean of them, and if I don't like you, you would now it. But thats a part of being sick, you're filter is gone, you have become this essence in a shall that is filled with "cancerous" cells..

0 Finally a break

Today I had two uplifting things happening to me. First I had a friend come visiting, and the hours flew by. And it was mice to talk about other things then just illness, and dreadful memories. However it was an uplifting visit, and I felt so much better afterwards..


The other good news was that I am taking a new manometry on Monday.. The Norwegian health care system is known for dragging things out. I sent in an application to this other hospital in march and I have still not heard anything, but this shows that they can if they want to. So one and a half week after my appointment with the pain clinic, and I will have my first manometry in over  a year..
I am rely existed, petrified, and a little angry that I have fought  this for 10 months..
All I can say to the Norwegian health care system, get a grip, take responsibility when you screw up.

Us patients we now that doctors are human to, but they have to come down from that high horse and apologizes. Most of us would forgive and be glad that they stood for the mistake that they had made..
So happy weekend to u all :) :9 I had a great start to mine :):)

2 Lyrica® Part Two

I have been under the impression that Lyrica is some sort of wonder drug.. and it has helpt with the pain from my lung surgery scar and pain from inside the chest.. But so did Neurontin, but it only cost 50  dollars, while Lyrica cost 200..
And then there are the side effects... Memory lost, memory is history, cant remember what I did, ate, or showered yesterday.. I do remember 2 years ago, but not when I last saw a friend or family.
You can get really lonely or live in blissfully ignorance, I hope for the second door, But I beat myself up for everything and nothing. Neurontin doesn't have all this side effect, but it still works on nerve damage.

Is this worth it? maybe Neurontin is the best choice, that way I can remember my history, get back to school, and get a small part of my life back.. what do you think??? Lyrica or Neurontin