Friday, December 17, 2010

0 Colposcopy !

Yesterday I had my colposcopy, and it was hard to hear that I had the worst cell changes C.I.N 3.
And it so unfair. why do I always have to be the one that gets everything. Again my f###ing luck,
Not very fair at all.

So the last 24 hours have been hard, I am so scared that this is more serious than I first thought. They said it would not hurt but its not true. its very unpleasant to have this procedure, I don't like anything that has to do with the stuff down under,to say it in a nicer way.
And its strange that I feel like this because I have had like a hundred gastroscopy, and thats more invasive than anything I have been through.
I have this terrible nightmares that I am dying, and about death. I guess that this is harder than i first expected, its been such a hard year, why does it have to be become even harder ?
Why do i have to get everything? When is my time to just lean back and enjoy life? And not be so insanely scared.

 I have always been very tough. But sometimes even the strongest of us, need to be vulnerable, and cry, be scared and have a fear of dying.
After i had been in the respirator i was not scared of dying, i just thought it was so unfair that i survived  when so many die everyday, why me? Did i survive just to get cervical cancer ? shouldn't my life be more than sicness ?
And thats what is the hardest, illness does not see, it just strickes with the force of a hurricane.
Everyone always says; its always the good ones that get everything. But who are the  bad people? Aren't we all both good and bad? Neither of us is perfect, and i know that i am far from perfect. I think that my body is the bad part, and my soul is the good one.. And i hope others will se past their bodies, and see the goodness that lying in their hearts!

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