Saturday, December 4, 2010

2 what now

i have tried pills Adalat no effect, Viagra(Sildenafil) no effect, in any way at all. you get where i am going, they have tried Botox 4 times, 2 times successful, and 2 times not the improvement that we had hoped for. i have taken stesolid, ketorax IV, morphine IV (stopped using morphine IV cause I had an allergic reaction), antidepressants, oxyContin, ketalar, ketroax PCA pump, nitroglycerin(1, 2), ketogan, lyrica, neurontin, epidural and a whole lot more i can’t even remember. but look at the bright side, who else have gotten the government to pay for Botox and Viagra??

i have tried acupuncture (see bottom of the page), 3 drops of peppermint oil in a glass of water, Oliclinomel, and i am going to try hypnosis to better deal with the whole pain situation. i am willing to try everything, and when you end up in my position you have to try everything, or you have lost. I also go to a psychologist; you have to treat your whole body, not just the physical but also the psychic part. everything goes together.
Of course there are days that i crawl under my blankets and want to stay there forever, but that is a part of the healing process. to come to terms with the fact that this is permanent, but i am far from coming to terms with it, hell no....

but i can’t keep doing this everything is perfect to friends and family, i have to change, i have this problem that i don’t want people to see that i am sick, but how can people be considerate if they don’t know that i am having a bad day. my only fear is that they will see it as irritating and not just me being sick me. we have to work on that one.
I must do this for me, and only me, and don’t feel guilty because i cant just do things impulsively. i have medicines and energy level to take into account when i say yes or no to something. and i guess i cant feel guilty if i don’t have the energy to do everything.
but i always feel guilty if i don’t give a 110% for someone else, i live to help others, probably why i joined the red cross to help. it gives me more, then i think i give them, but still, i have to learn to say NO, but how do i do that without feeling bad? i wanna make people feel good... without draining myself of energy


  1. Alexandra? Hello? Ok...so 30 to 60.... You hit a pot hole through life's roadway. But to get to 90 perhaps you need to think things through. Because of chronic pain we tend to want to hide it away or pretend it away, rather then being up front with family and friends and clue them in instead of shutting them out. Just like stating you have "brown" eyes. A fact is a fact. You may have to modify, manage, or delegate...but always try to participate. Plan ahead or off at the spur of the moment...friends and family will adapt if they love you. Everyone has limits...EVERYONE. Our limits from pain might be unavoidable, but should never used to avoid in the first place. Maybe someone, for example, is a great cook and yet they can't cook water. Does that mean they should just feel bad about their handicap, or perhaps rejoice they can still invite others over for dinner even if delivered by pepe's pizza. Hehehe....point is, relax...again EVERYONE has a handicap or issue. You are NOT alone and those that love you...UNDERSTAND your good days "AND" your bad days. Besides maybe someone is staring at you because you are beautiful and not because you might be walking funny because of pain. You have value to all. HUGS Julie Anne

  2. Thank you for those words. You sound like my psychologist.. in a good way :)
    Its always easiest to think that someone stares because it is something you are doing wrong, rather than because you are beautiful, have pretty hair or killer legs ;)

    I am agreeing 100% with you that we have to live in this life aswell. We cant shut life out, we have to accept it, and work on everything you can do instead of crying over things you cant and have no control over.
    I am so glad that you like my blog and wants to chat with me. I am always looking for "soul-mates" I can share my life with, good and the bad...
    I hope to hear from you again soon, and hope you are feeling better from the surgery :)
    big Tuesday hugs Alex