0 Eating Disorder!

People with severe pain because of esophagus spasms, have a possibility to develop a fear of eating!
And i am scared that i am becoming one of them.
I mash all of my dinners everyday. taking the dinner for a spin in the blender doesn't really do it for me. It looks like someone has had food poisoning and accidentally craped in my blender. Doesn't that hear like something you would want to eat??

I should have food that would make my appetite better, not worse. I have never thought that I would be in the position to develop a eating disorder.
You hear about this girls, and some boys, who have different eating disorder. Anorexic and bulimia are the most known eating disorder out there.
But what I have read about them is that its all about control. They feel like this is the only thing they can control.
And after what I am thinking it sounds very correct, for me I guess I think that I have no control over the spasms, but I can control my food, Doctors keep asking me if I am scared of eating? What the hell do you think? You don't need a Ph.d to see that I am scared.
How would you feel, if you had to eat a piece that is bigger than 5 mm. and you would know it would hurt like hell? I can't swallow pills, and a steak is out of the question.

I am going to start to dream again. I dream about a cheese sandwich, tacos, bread, chips and dip, and a hundred other things I can't  write because it wouldn't  be that interesting to read. But that whats going to keep me from developing this illness. Having all this urges. And I am going to hold on to them, I never know, in my right brain I can probably eat what I want tomorrow, but the left one knows better.

But this is a illusion, I have no control over the spasms. they can come after a meal, it's strange but I seem to have more spasms in the evening, and at night. but why? how the hell should I know? I am not a trained physician.