Saturday, December 4, 2010

2 my day..... how was yours?

Life isn't always bad, I had a visit from my grandparents who I love dearly. and then my friend Elisabeth stopped by for some good girl talk, i really need to get some things off my chest, and I cant write it all in this blog.

Then a good friend of my stopped by to see how I was doing, but tonight has been very painful.
I have basically been lying in fetus position all night. the f***ing spasm are of course coming back now that my fentanyl patch is in a smaller strength. if you think that the pain isn't there it won't be there. what a load of crap! I have prayed many times and hoped that my back pain would go away, but I have still not seen such luck. don't get me wrong, I do believe in the power of trying and not giving up. I should not be doing all the things that I do, but I am, not now, not ever am I giving up. I am going to get a life.

Think about that for a second, what do you really want with your life? work? husband? wife? kids? house? pet? what are your hobbies? take a minute to think what you can do today to get the life you want, that you maybe have pushed far back in your brain, and think what you can do today to get one step closer to that dream.
But remember, don't only dream for you, do it for those around you that you love, maybe they need help to achieve their dream. I know it's a cliché, but none of us know when a serious illness will strike, or worse.
I have lived with illness all my life, but to get a new one when you are an adult it really throws you. and esophagus spasms as strong as i have is like having a cramp in your calf and multiplied that by ten, with no way to get it to let go. how am I meant to live with this? how can they give me up?

And the worst is that they are saying if I had cancer or was older they would ease my pain. what does having a known disease and old age have to do with pain? so i cant have pain because I am young? so because I am young I have to live a painful life just because of my age? and that life without help, will be a life in torture every day, eating will be a nightmare, and life will not be living, just existing!


  1. Tsk, tsk.....what makes us strong "throws" off others. I know that every morning I wake with tears of reality that I must make another day count. Even if as an adult it is expected we not cry from pain but reality is....we still curl up in fetal position and cry to comfort ourselves from the unrelenting agony of daily pain. We allow our loved ones the truth but the medical community denies us the right for help with our pain just so everyone around us should not be hurt by seeing us in pain. There is surely a reason that many "parks" in Norway have so many drug addicts...perhaps they are just former "patients" ????!!!!!

  2. whats worse when you wake up? the pain you have to endure yet again with no escape, or that you are alive with another day in pain ?
    I can say I have been in both.. I am still curling up in a fetal position, but I have taken a stand.
    I have started seeing a psychologist, and I am hoping this will help me on my way to a better today :) I wrote about it yesterday :)
    I think that a lot of the "hidden" addicts like prescription drugs is not taken seriously enough. But we also need to ask ourself the question : why do so many of us turn to drugs and end up addicts? Because there is pain in every form of addiction, and a story, and we all need to be seen,heard and helpt..
    hugs Alex